"Be Near Me" tells the story of David Anderton, a Catholic priest born in Edinburgh and educated in England who is assigned to a parish in Dalgarnock, a decaying Irish town with different residents sympathetic to the Orange or IRA causes. Anderton, though, takes no interest in his parishioners, enduring their ill will towards him. He's been grieving for thirty years for the man he loved who died in an auto accident. The only people in the city with whom he spends time are the local teenagers who live life on the edge, committing petty crimes and indulging in drugs. He senses the life in them that he misses, and finds himself attracted to one of them, Mark. After a night of drinking, Ecstasy, and dancing, he kisses Mark. This act turns his parishioners on him, providing a conduit for their anger, as they accuse him of being a paedophile. Andrew O'Hagan's novel has received positive reviews (and a Booker nomination) with The Guardian saying, "This is a nuanced, intense and complex treatment of a sad and simple story.[Review by http://www.reviewsofbooks.com/be_near_me/]
The novel provides me an opportunity to share an aspect of my personal history that speaks to some of the meaning of the book.
Becoming a priest in 1963 after spending eight years in a semi-monastic institution was a remarkable experience. While energized by the hopes generated by the Vatican Council, the dynamics of the 60’s were still an unexpected tsunami. Not only was there interest in furthering the aims of the Vatican Council, other pressing matters were demanding my attention, e.g., the need to address racial injustice, poverty here and elsewhere, e.g., Biafra, developing ecumenical bonds with our fellow Christians were challenging that engaged me. Dealing with these challenges confronted me with an awareness that I was walking into areas that I never anticipated in my education. In addition, people argued with me about positions that were ingrained through the seminary education, e.g., birth control. I could sense that these people were not “bad”; in fact, I was often impressed by their commitments. It was hard to dismiss their perspectives on life. Moreover, I started to experience a sense of autonomy that was somewhat scary, knowing that I was departing from the positions advocated by the Church. I was starting to feel alone. And yet, I could not return to the institutional bureaucracy because I now could not endorse those beliefs.
This novel captures one intriguing aspect of this personal transformation. In the novel, it becomes clear to this priest that he should never have been a priest and that life itself was wasted. His friendship with the two rebellious teenagers triggered his attempt to touch life that he never knew. Ultimately, his involvement with these people led to a situation that resulted in his coming to the realization that he had never lived life.
My realization that I would miss life if I continued being a priest was strengthened by meeting people who were “different” in the sense that I could see goodness even in those who were not church-goers, people who differed from me in so many values and yet I saw authenticity in them. The long and short of this trajectory was my coming to the realization that if I did not leave the priesthood, I would be a disgruntled old man at best, and, at worse, involved in experiences that would have been ultimately negative for not only me but potentially others.
I recall two incidents that symbolize what I am referencing. While I went to many funeral homes to share the sadness associated with a death of a loved one, this time it was a significant tragedy. I shared some words with the people and they thanked me. While I do not remember who they were or the actual tragedy, I then recall my thinking how warped my life-experience was that I was immuned from such a tragedy. Not that I wanted to suffer pain that I saw in these people, but it was real. They had risked loving and suffered the commensurate pain resulting from the untimely and tragic death. This appeared so wrong that I was living a life without such risk.
Another memory was a person sharing with me that my vision of the Church was correct but then, it dawned on me that I would never live long enough to see the changes. I then imaged a scene of my being an old man in a rocking chair and some people coming by who would say, “See, you were right! The changes did come.” And I thought, “what a waste!” And I would be bitter.
And now, looking back, I can only leap with joy to think that I made this major change. Granted, I had a few set-backs, e.g., I did not get the doctorate I wanted, but I ended with a life, a real life, with not only real people, but just remarkably beautiful and wonderful people with whom I can only be grateful for such gifts. I have enjoyed a wife who gives love and shares humor, children who amaze me not only because they are intellectually gifted but because they are good.
The novel captures the poignant understanding of missing a real life because of involvement in a role that robbed him of being able to love another. It could have been my story but for so many experiences, people, and books that enabled me to leave the past for what was then, a somewhat uncertain future, but at least it was real!
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