"Building Character"

It is almost a truism that one's character predominantly determines much of one's behavior and the outcome of one's life-time pursuits. Often, we are vague about what we mean by character, even though we recognize elements of character when we experience it. Many attribute character to one's history and involvement in religion or the qualities of one's birth family.

I am sure that these and more are relevant, but I was struck by a long article NYT magazine article today that focused on teaching character.

This article seems relevant not only to those involved in an educational career, but also to parents in general. It is hard to believe that anyone would read this article without thinking about its pertinence to one's own history or family.

(I mention that one of Sara and Nien-he's Philadelphia friends, Angie Duckworth, is referenced strongly in the article.)

I share my ruminations about the article.

First, I am amazed often that I turned out as good as I did (I know that those who know me will question my judgement!), given my family history. In a somewhat bizarre way, I attribute some of qualities that are noticeable to parts of my history that I now evaluate most negatively! Qualities like kindness (measured by the lack of anger, hatred, animosity towards others), steadiness of behavior (measured by consistency of my daily behavior over time), pursuit of goals (measured by incessant reading and inquisitiveness), affection (measured by genuine hugs and kisses), and truthfulness (measured by an almost incurable inability to lie) can be attributed to by internalized guilt-ridden religious education during my childhood that was reinforced by seminary indoctrination. I surely would not advocate anyone's path to character development by adopting my history and, yet, I have to attribute it to my avoiding catastrophe as an adolescent or your adult (I often wonder whether I could have handled the freedom of college at Holy Cross which I was accepted before at the last moment, deciding to enter the seminary). I could envision myself lost due to abuse of alcohol or sex (I had only experimented with alcohol; sex beyond kissing was way off the radar screen who would feared dealing with confession etc.).

Second, given the history with no plans for a normal family, I am impressed that the character qualities helped me transition from a celibate to married life with children. I somehow or other was able to use the "good" aspects of my character in a new setting. In fact, if there is something that I recall about my role as a parent was my repeated focus on qualities that are associated with character. I talked often to my children about love, about caring for others, about truthfulness, about developing all the gifts provided them naturally by their genes and family. I often shared my views of life and society from a moral or character perspective rather than economic measurements of success.

From many points of view, I look back on this aspect of my personal history as one that gives me most satisfaction. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about who I am, even though at times, I wished that I could have become the same person without my earlier history.